One of the biggest skills we can gain from debate is to become better listeners. People who do well in debates listen well to their opponents to truly understand them and respond accordingly. Teachers can help students if they really listen for what is happening in students’ minds. And all of us can connect better with people if we are good at truly listening. I want us to practice listening to learn.
Of course listening includes really trying to hear out the other person, paying attention to details, nodding along. However, I’ve learned a few things that may be a little counter-intuitive (at first). For instance:
- Listening does not mean maintaining constant eye contact. Yes, some eye contact is nice, but staring at someone’s eyes and smiling the entire time they talk can be a bit artificial (if not creepy!). When you are comfortable and having a genuine conversation, your eyes will naturally wander. You’ll fidget. You’ll look inward and ponder. All of this is OK, and it has been shown to be helpful in communicating that you are listening. So, listening does not mean you have to be rigid.
- Listening also means responding. Yes, there is a time to be quiet and listen, but if you are in a conversation with someone one-on-one, there needs to be some level of give and take. Have you heard of the 36 Questions for Increasing Closeness? In the studies they conducted, researchers found that having one person ask each of the 36 questions first (one at a time) and listening to the answers did not help people connect as well as having each person answer one question at a time. If one person was doing most of the talking and the other person was just listening the whole time, it didn’t necessarily lead to deeper connections. It can feel awkward. When you are sharing a story, say, you want the person listening to respond with their thoughts or their connection to your story. Their response shows that the other person was truly listening.
- Listening includes asking for clarity. Similar to the point above, asking questions to clarify are a sign to your partner that you are listening. Something I’ve learned a lot from work with a crisis hotline is that asking for clarity is extremely important when anything is vague or confusing. When a teenager tells me they “hooked up” with someone, I need to check in with them to ask what that means. A term like this could mean anything from a kiss to more intimate moment. And the person talking usually appreciates questions of clarity because you are helping them to tell their story more clearly.
- Listening can sway someone to change their mind. Sometimes, we hope to convince someone of an idea by “giving them all the fact.” Yet, as we all probably have experienced, this does not always work. Instead, we often just need to listen. As David McRaney says in his book How Minds Change: “If people feel heard, they further articulate their opinions and often begin to question them.“ We won’t necessarily change someone’s mind by dumping information on them. So much of what we humans believe is rooted is feelings and emotion. No amount of information can overcome that. However, listening to someone, hearing them out (and responding with your own stories), can be a powerful way to help someone think more deeply about a topic or re-think their stance.
In our hyper-polarized world right now, I’m worried that everyone is more concerned with talking than listening. Good debaters know the power of listening, and I hope we all can work on listening better. Let’s be a great listener in our next conversation.
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